புலம்பல் Lament

முடிவில்லா சுழலில் நான்.

Persistent Depressive Disorder, Anxiety disorder and Mental Fatigue

For the past few years, I have found the medicine which helps me stay in the sane zone. The sad part is that depression and anxiety is right around the corner. Missing a single dose or two makes me go through the hell again. It's not getting cured; It is just keeping it at bay. To be realistic, there will be a day when the meds will stop working and I have to start again the trail and error method which could take several months or even years. I wish this PDD and AD goes away. 12 years and counting. What's all the pain, suffering, humiliation for? There's no end to this. No light at end of the tunnel. No point in living for myself. If its just me I wish to vanish into thin air, but I don't want to give the pain of missing a brother, son, friend to my people. I can't think of giving them the pain. I'll endure the misery as long as I can for the people in my life.

"Mental health" was a term I hadn't heard of. If I  had started seeing mental health professional during early stage, maybe I wouldn't be stuck with mental conditions for over a decade. My life would've been very different. I miss my old me. My Ambitious, Intelligent and hard working younger self is dead. All left is hopeless, retarded and lazy person.

Years of untreated mental illness and several traumatic incidents have taken toll on my cognition. I am now what people call retard. learning new things is daunting, thinking hard is painful, anything that requires focus for over few minutes gives me mental fatigue and makes me exhausted. Yeah I live with mental fatigue all the time, just few minutes of normal time inbetween never ending mental fatigue and exhaustion. How can I explain this to a normal person? I get the question a lot. what do you mean you're exhausted? You haven't done anything. Atleast depression and anxiety are controlled by meds but there's no solution to escape mental fatigue/exhaustion.

Out of three, I would say mental fatigue is the one that stopped me from living my life. There was atleast something to soften the effects of depression and anxiety but I always get no answer when I ask solution for mental fatigue. My head hurts now from all the writing. It's not headache though. I wish to be free of mental fatigue/exhaustion even if it means to live life with depression and anxiety with meds.